Duane’s Heating & Cooling
2906 County Road 2900 East,
Beaverville, IL 60912
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars
Hey, are you hot? Are you cold? Do you want to become hot or cold? Do you desire the ability to switch freely between these two options? Are you the kind of person that believes there is more to life than just hot and cold? That you can, if you put your mind to it, find some kind of balance by exerting control over external circumstances in a measured and considered manner? Then guess what? Duane’s Heating & Cooling is exactly what you need. Duane’s Heating & Cooling has everything you need not only to heat your home in the winter, to cool your home in the summer, and to find the perfect temperature in between—but it also has everything you need to finally adjust absolutely everything in your life. Believe it or not, there’s a knob for all things (John 4:12). I have a lever that lets me manage how hungry I am. I have a button I push to regulate how often I feel sad. I have a pulley system that controls all of the objects in my house and lets me make them go wherever I choose and do whatever I want. I have a switch that makes my family love me. I have a dial that gives me money. I have a toggle that goes to opportunity’s house, drags it out of bed, and freaking forces it to knock wherever I damn well please. I have a special wand that makes you not believe me and I’ve used it. Duane’s is the best heating and cooling store in America, or at least on County Road 2900.
Dolan Morgan lives in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, where he helps edit The Atlas Review. He’s the author of two story collections, That’s When the Knives Come Down (A|P, 2014) and INSIGNIFICANA (CCM, 2016). His work can be found in The Believer, PANK, Electric Literature’s Recommended Reading, Selected Shorts, and the trash.