{"id":1817,"date":"2022-03-13T20:04:45","date_gmt":"2022-03-14T01:04:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/?p=1817"},"modified":"2023-01-17T12:02:09","modified_gmt":"2023-01-17T18:02:09","slug":"ayat-by-ayeh-bandeh-ahmadi","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/?p=1817","title":{"rendered":"“Ayat” by Ayeh Bandeh-Ahmadi"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

a<\/strong>\u00b7yat<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

plural noun<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

singular:\u202fayah (Arabic), ayeh (Farsi) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. signs, proofs, evidences, lessons, revelations, remarkable events (Wikipedia, Muhammad Muhsin Khan) <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
      \n
    1. verses (In the context of\u202fIslam’s principal\u202fscripture, the\u202fQuran,\u202fayah<\/em>\u202fis used to mean “verse”, i.e., each statement or paragraph marked by a number) (Wikipedia) <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
        \n
      1. a mystical\u202fwoman\u202fwith\u202fpiercing eyes\u202fwho takes\u202fyour breath\u202faway (Urban Dictionary) <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
          \n
        1. signs or clues, clear evidence of the existence of God (Pakistan Web) <\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n
          \n\n\n\n

          Pink Satin (1989)<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          For as long as she can remember, seven-year-old Ayeh has been determined to grow her hair long. But every time her hair starts to grow, her aunt asks if she wants to get her hair cut. Ayeh has such great memories of the hair salons her aunt takes her to. The stylists treat her like a grown-up. Her aunt even lets them use a curling iron on her hair. The haircutter convinces her to go short every time. Then, the other moms at school say nice things about her hair and ask where she gets her hair cut. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh likes to write poetry. After she wrote a poem for Grace Taylor, who has long blond hair, in which she rhymed, \u201cYou’re so nice\u201d with \u201cYou should be Vice (President),\u201d she was invited to Grace’s home. They picked flowers and gravel from Grace\u2019s yard and tried to sell them in glass jars at the side of the street. Ayeh couldn\u2019t believe that strangers would pay $5 or $10 for flowers they had picked, but she wanted to learn how things worked in Grace\u2019s world. Grace shared the book her parents had published about her for her birthday. They had stayed up late at night to secretly work on it. It was pink and had bunnies and beautiful pictures of spaceships. Ayeh noticed Grace’s pink skis displayed on her bedroom wall. She knew from show-and-tell at school that Grace was an expert skier. Grace and her family go to their cabin in Tahoe almost every weekend in the winter.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Soon after, Ayeh pins her T-shirt with neon smiley faces on the wall with thumbtacks next to her bunk bed in the room she shares with her sister.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          At the end of last school year, the students in Ayeh\u2019s class got to choose one of two shows to perform in for their parents. They could do a dance to a pretty song about a place called Kokomo or perform in a serious play about something else. Ayeh wanted to be in the dance performance led by her own teacher. Mrs. Stroeve wore interesting outfits from the Riki store downtown. Mrs. Neu didn\u2019t care about pretty outfits. But Ayeh still signed up for Mrs. Neu’s play. She remembered how uncomfortable her parents felt when she had to square dance with a boy for back-to-school night in first grade. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          At parents’ night this year, Ayeh is a cat in a production of Peter and the Wolf<\/em>. After Ayeh\u2019s mom pins a fuzzy cat tail on her leotard and leggings, she lets her put on her favorite hot pink lipstick for the show. The other kids laugh.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cAre you wearing lipstick?\u201d they ask, \u201cWhy?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh turns red and runs away. She locks herself inside a stall in the girls’ room and doesn\u2019t come out until Muriel, one of the third-graders, comes to talk to her and promises not to make fun of her and gets all the other girls to come apologize.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cDo you guys promise not to make fun of Ayeh?\u201d Muriel asks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYeah,\u201d they say in unison while Ayeh listens through the door of the girls’ room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Their performance is a success. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n\n\n\n

          \u201cAyeh, it’s time for school.\u201d Her mom\u2019s voice calls in the morning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh pulls out the pink satin scarf she wore to the mosque last night from the bottom drawer of the olive-green dresser she shares with her sister. She puts it back on. It looks so pretty in the long wooden mirror that hangs behind the bedroom door, woven with a texture that looks like a bouquet of flowers. She walks out, prepared to surprise her parents.\u202f <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh\u2019s mom looks amused. Then she tries to smile kindly.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhy do you have a headscarf on?\u201d she asks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWell, I wore it last night and everyone said how nice it was. I thought it would be even better to wear it to school.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Her mom tells her, \u201cYou\u2019re too young. You don\u2019t have to wear one yet.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cBut I want to wear it.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhy, Ayeh?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYou wear one, Mom.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Her dad appears from the hallway. Ayeh watches her mom catch his glance and then shift her eyes and head pointedly towards Ayeh.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          They ask each other in whispers, \u201cWhat will people think? She\u2019s only in third grade.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh persists. They are late for school.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Her mom says, \u201cAll right, but just for today. Not tomorrow.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          At school, everyone comments on how pretty her pink scarf is.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cIs it silk?\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYes,\u201d she says, before remembering it might be polyester.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Even Mrs. Stroeve asks about it. \u201cCan you tell us about your headscarf? Does it signify something?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh enjoys the attention. \u201cWell, I have to wear it because it\u2019s my religion,\u201d she explains. \u201cIt means that you\u2019re not supposed to judge people by their hair.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          At home, she tells her mom how much the kids liked her pink satin scarf.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cIs it silk or polyester?\u201d Ayeh asks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The next day, Ayeh wakes up and chooses a bright sapphire blue satin scarf from her drawer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          When she sits down to her cereal, her mother tells her, \u201cNo, Ayeh, you agreed. You don\u2019t have to wear it yet. But when you\u2019re older, you may.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n\n\n\n

          Burnt Sugar (1991)<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh sits at the watercolor-stained desk in her bedroom, pondering ways she might get into character for tomorrow\u2019s class presentations on the cultures of Native American tribes. Each fourth-grader in class has been given a unique assignment: to present a particular tribe\u2019s customs, from meals to hunting to crafts to religious rituals. Ayeh has been preparing to talk about Hopi children\u2019s games. She has checked out and read some library books on this topic. She\u2019s identified one game she thinks her classmates will enjoy and is planning to give her presentation as a Hopi girl her own age.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          As Ayeh plans her talk for the next day, she thinks about how to engage her classmates so they feel like they have traveled back in time to a Hopi community. Unsurprisingly, there are no Native American costumes in her family\u2019s apartment and it\u2019s too late to research them at the library. There is the colorful, mirror-flecked Kermanja Iranian tribal outfit, the one Ayeh\u2019s grandparents mailed from Tehran to help her dream of what beautiful surprises their home country holds, which Ayeh wore last Halloween with a construction-paper-sash for her Miss Universe costume, but that is clearly out of the question.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh thinks about other costume supplies that might be available, about the makeup in her mom\u2019s collection she gets to rummage through and wear at special occasions. Sometimes at Halloween, Ayeh\u2019s mom uses her dark eyeliner to draw kitten whiskers on Ayeh\u2019s face. Other times, for birthday parties with other girls or school plays or dressing up as Miss Universe, Ayeh gets to wear makeup the way it\u2019s supposed to be used, the way grownups do. Her favorite makeup activity is choosing a tube of lipstick to wear. Her favorite colors are shades of hot pink. Ayeh likes how grown-up she looks in these. The most boring colors are nudes which look weird on Ayeh\u2019s dark lips. Ayeh\u2019s least favorite color is a tube of Clinique Burnt Sugar. Every time she goes through her mom\u2019s lipsticks to select a color, sometimes secretly and other times with permission, she tries it on, imagining that it can\u2019t be as bad as she remembers, and each time, it is a disappointing shade of burnt brownish orange red. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The next morning, Ayeh climbs down from the top bunk in her bedroom, her mind already racing to her presentation. She decides black leggings are more appropriate than jeans for a Native American girl from nearly two hundred years ago. While her mom dishes Cream of Wheat into bowls at the dining table, Ayeh walks into her parents\u2019 bedroom and drops the mint-green tube of Burnt Sugar into her pocket. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          During recess, she walks into the girls\u2019 room, the Clinique tube still in her pocket. She imagines the commentary from the other girls if she were to pull it out and start applying it to her face. She doesn\u2019t want to get made fun of. She walks back out, the tube still safely in her pocket. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Back in the classroom, Ayeh\u2019s classmates start giving presentations. Mrs. Nowak is a big, tall woman with stringy brown hair who wears rose and dusty blue sweaters and grows exasperated when the class doesn’t follow her instructions. She has even cried on one or two occasions in front of the class. <\/strong>This morning, she calls on volunteers to present one by one. Ayeh sits watching her classmates, eyeing the clock. She decides it\u2019s now or never if she wants to get into character. Applying makeup during class would be distracting and disrespectful, so she grabs the hall pass, heading into the girls\u2019 bathroom at the end of the hall. She passes another student in the outdoor hallway, but the girls\u2019 bathroom is silent and empty. Ayeh checks under the three stalls to confirm she is alone. She faces the mirror and pulls out the lipstick. She starts applying it directly to her face like a crayon. The reddish-brown color rubs on easily but unevenly. Ayeh completes a few strokes then uses her fingers to spread the color around on her face. Her cheek and then her chin become several shades darker. Next her forehead, nose, and other cheek follow. The color is still uneven and imperfect. Ayeh tells herself that\u2019s how all costumes are. She imagines that Mrs. Nowak and her classmates will appreciate the effort. But for some reason she can\u2019t explain, she is still nervous. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh scurries back to the classroom, bathroom pass firmly in hand. The students start whispering, then pointing, as Ayeh takes her seat. Mrs. Nowak takes note of the commotion and interrupts the presentation that is already in progress.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhat did you do to your face?\u201d Mrs. Nowak asks. Ayeh can tell she is in trouble.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cI dressed up as a Hopi girl,\u201d she stammers.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cIt is offensive to minorities to mimic the color of their skin. You will go to the bathroom and remove whatever is on your face right away!\u201d Mrs. Nowak commands in the raised voice she reserves for when the class misbehaves.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The rest of the class takes this as their cue to let out the laughter they have been suppressing in a long, loud chorus. Ayeh struggles to think how she can correct the situation. How could she let Mrs. Nowak know that she isn\u2019t a bad person and that using makeup to act the part is a reasonable thing to do? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cBut it\u2019s just for my presentation,\u201d she stammers. \u201cI\u2019m supposed to be a Hopi girl.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYou will go to the bathroom and remove that makeup right away!\u201d Mrs. Nowak repeats, adding, \u201cYou are being disrespectful. We do not tolerate disrespectful behavior in this classroom.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The tears well up. As they rush down her face, Ayeh runs out of the classroom down the hall. In the girls\u2019 room, she pounds the soap dispenser for as much powdered soap as she can fit into her hand in between swallowing and rubbing away tears. She runs the cold water and rubs her hands together to create as much of a lather as she can from the pink powder. She rubs the coarse lather over her face, splashing cold water into the tears, then more powder, vigorous rubbing, cold water, the grainy pink powder scrubbing her face, stinging. Eventually, the cold water and abrasiveness of the soap wear down the tears. Most of the makeup comes off, but Ayeh\u2019s face still doesn\u2019t look quite the same. She stands at the mirror, staring at her reflection for what seems like a long time, waiting to see how quickly the puffiness will go down, learning that the answer is not fast enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          As the minutes pass, Ayeh\u2019s concern turns to whether she will be in trouble for being too slow to return to class. Would Mrs. Nowak walk through the door of the girls\u2019 room to reprimand her again? Would students from another class walk in on her and notice that she has been crying? The weight of figuring out how to behave feels crushing.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          But the minutes pass without incident. Ayeh returns to her classroom. She slinks back into her seat without making eye contact with anyone. No one says a word to her.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \n\n\n\n

          Sexist Language (1996)<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cHey! Ayeh!\u201d Tuan calls as he approaches her in his biology class. \u201cDo you know how to say any curse words in Farsi?\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Tuan is two years ahead of Ayeh in school. She and her friend Cory are TAing for an advanced biology class, which really means they get to wash dirty lab dishes, grade papers, and on occasion finish their own homework in their spare time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cUm, I know some.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cTeach me how to say something!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhy?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cI just want to use it on Bijan.\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Bijan has been giving Ayeh a hard time in the high school biology class she and Cory are teaching assistants for. He and his family left Iran after the revolution. He tries to convince his friends that Ayeh is oppressed because she wears a headscarf. He bores them with lectures about how sexist Islam is. He doesn\u2019t listen when Ayeh speaks up for herself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Tuan continues, \u201cHow do you insult someone in Farsi?\u201d He pauses, \u201cI know what you\u2019re thinking. I promise I won\u2019t use it on you.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

           She finally says, \u201cWell, you could call them \u2018goh.\u2019 That\u2019s like calling someone shit.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cGo?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cNo, there\u2019s an \u2018h\u2019 sound at the end. Goh!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cGoh?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYeah, exactly. Except you know how Bijan says that the Iranian government made Farsi a sexist language and all\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cUh-huh.\u201d Tuan nods. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cIf you\u2019re talking to a guy, you say goh. But if you\u2019re talking to a girl, you have to add a special ending.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cRight, I gotcha. So what\u2019s the ending?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYou add an \u2018am\u2019 at the end of the word. So you say \u2018goham\u2019 to a girl, but \u2018goh\u2019 to a guy.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cGoham?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYeah.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cAwesome.\u201d Tuan walks off, whispering to himself, \u201cGoh. Goh. Goh.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Cory digs his elbow into Ayeh\u2019s arm. \u201cWhy did you tell him that?!\u201d he scolds. \u201cYou realize he\u2019s going to use it on you?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Ayeh leans into Cory\u2019s ear and whispers her best explanation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Meanwhile, Tuan runs off to practice his new vocabulary on Bijan. \u201cGoh!\u201d he exclaims, pointing at Bijan, waiting for a reaction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhat did you say? Go?\u201d Bijan asks. The delight in his voice is audible to everyone in the room, most of whom stare down at their thick textbooks.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cGoh!\u201d Tuan says, pointing again at Bijan. \u201cYou\u2019re goh! Heh-heh!\u201d He nods at Ayeh from across the classroom. \u201cAyeh taught me.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          Bijan\u2019s face rearranges and his jaw drops a little. He shakes his head slowly. If he lets Tuan see how annoyed he is, the teasing will continue forever. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

           \u201cGoh! Goh!\u201d Tuan says again, still pointing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The next week, Tuan passes Ayeh and Mari in the hallway between second and third periods. Ayeh returns his smile. \u201cGoham!\u201d he whispers as he walks past her. \u201cHeh-heh.\u201d Ayeh scrunches her brows to make a frustrated face. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          A few times each week during biology class, Tuan chases Bijan, shouting, \u201cGoh! Goh!\u201d so everyone can hear. By now, even Mr. K knows what goh means. Bijan tries to pretend that he doesn\u2019t care, but Tuan keeps practicing his Farsi vocabulary.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          This continues for weeks, months maybe. Then one day in biology class, bored with Bijan\u2019s reactions to being teased, Tuan waits until Bijan picks an argument with Ayeh. \u201cGoham!\u201d Tuan calls to Ayeh, eyeing Bijan to see if his friend has a new reaction. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cWhat did you say!\u201d  Bijan exclaims, the amusement spreading over his face. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cGoham!\u201d Tuan repeats with a big grin.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cDude, do you know what you just said?!\u201d Bijan laughs through a huge smile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cYeah, she\u2019s a girl and Farsi is a sexist language, so I called her Goham.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cDude!\u201d Bijan says through his laughter, \u201cyou just said that you\u2019re shit!\u201d He covers his mouth. \u201cThere\u2019s no difference if you\u2019re talking to guys or girls in Farsi. The \u2018am\u2019 means you\u2019re calling yourself shit.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          \u201cBut she said\u2014\u201d Tuan rolls his head backwards. He realizes what has happened. \u201cOhhh!\u201d He turns to look back at Ayeh, his eyes widening as he meets her grinning face next to Cory\u2019s from across the lab stations. \u201cI\u2019m gonna get you! You\u2019re going to be so sorry you ever thought you could trick me!\u201d  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          The next day, on the stairway between second and third periods, Tuan points at Ayeh and shouts, \u201cGoh!\u201d Ayeh smiles, winking both her eyes, and then shrugs.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          No one ever mentions goh again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

          <\/div>\n\n\n\n
          \n\n\n\n
          \n\n\n\n

          Ayeh Bandeh-Ahmadi\u2019s forthcoming memoir-in-stories, \u201cAyat,\u201d was longlisted for the 2020 First Pages Prize and the Chautauqua Janus Prize, recognizing an emerging writer\u2019s work for daring innovations that reorder literary conventions and readers\u2019 imaginations. Her writing has appeared in Entropy Magazine, No Tokens <\/em>and PANK<\/em>; has been recognized with support from Millay Arts, the Mid Atlantic Arts Foundation\u2019s Creative Fellowship, and the Bread Loaf Katharine Bakeless Nason Scholarship; and appears in New Moons<\/em>: Contemporary Writing by North American<\/em> Muslims<\/em> from editor Kazim Ali (Red Hen Press, 2021). She was part of a ten-person team responsible for raising $4 trillion to support COVID stimulus at the U.S. Department of Treasury and has taught personal essay to Washington D.C. high school students for PEN\/Faulkner. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

          She stands at the mirror, staring at her reflection for what seems like a long time, waiting to see how quickly the puffiness will go down, learning that the answer is not fast enough. . .<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1905,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[81],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1817"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1817"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1817\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1905"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1817"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1817"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/thespectacle.wustl.edu\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1817"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}