“Literary Self-Help Classics” by Ellen Girardeau Kempler

Image by Janaina C. Falkiewicz


Tea Parties on the Ceiling: A Governess’ Guide to Getting High by Mary Poppins

The Malevolent Way: A Gothic Guide to Vengeful Living by Heathcliff

Whitewashing Made Easy by Tom Sawyer

How to Escape a Bulldozed Planet by Arthur Dent

Scout’s Safe Halloween Handbook

Deep Revenge: How to Harpoon Your Inner Demons by Captain Ahab

Beyond Stonehenge: How to Turn Your Back on Love and Embrace a Heartless God by
Angel Clare

How to Survive a Rough Morning without Resorting to Pesticide by Gregor Samsa

Better Not Introduce Your Mother: Elizabeth Bennett’s Guide to Marrying Money

Crafty with Cobwebs: Miss Havisham’s Home Decor Handbook

How to Spot Phonies from a Million Miles Away by Holden Caulfield

Budget Boltholes and Opium Dens by Sherlock Holmes

Madwoman in the Attic: How to Stay Sane When Surrounded by Lunatics by Jane Eyre

Trainspotting 101 by Anna Karenina

Top Ten Anti-Siren Strategies by Odysseus

The Art of Prolonged Longing by Jay Gatsby

How to Kick Bourgeois Malaise and Live to Languish Another Day by Emma Bovary



Ellen Girardeau Kempler’s essays, opinion pieces, feature articles and humor have appeared in The Atlantic, L.A. Times, Christian Science Monitor, Westways, Culture Trip, Huffington Post, Cargo Literary, Medium‘s “Human Parts” and numerous other publications. Her narrative nonfiction won recognition from Transitions Abroad in 2015 (runner up for travel memoir) and Travelers’ Tales (Bronze Solas Award) in 2016. She has also received numerous awards for poetry and has been widely published in literary magazines. Her first book, Thirty Views of a Changing World: Haiku + Photos (on climate change and other existential threats to our planet) will be published by Finishing Line Press in November 2017. An Oregon native, she now lives in Laguna Beach, California.